Reasons NOT to SUP!
After surviving a period of extraordinary storm activity in the UK we can now breathe a sigh of relief, assess the damage (if any) and get on with our everyday stand up paddling shenanigans. It’s fair to say that not everyone loves it ‘extreme dude’ and many were happy to sit it out and wait for less hectic conditions.
In this day and age, there’s plenty of pressure to step into battle with the elements – particularly when conditions ramp up. But not all SUPers have the inclination, skill set, or ambition to endanger themselves. Social media sites are rife with bravado when mammoth weather systems set up – it’s easy to forget we’re not all super human – some of us have families don’t you know. If you have the inclination for a bit of gnar, great, but it’s also OK to wait for more sedate conditions.
The next time a Herculean weather chart pops and you start getting texts from your rad mates, but don’t fancy taking a beating, here are five excuses to get you out of dicing with death.
Too hung over
Whatever day of the week it is you can always pull Jaegerbomb infused debauchery out of the bag – even if it’s a downright lie. Your mates may scoff as you croakily explain you were on a big one, but deep down they’ll wish they were in the same situation.
Splash a bit of water on your face, sleep in your clothes, sack off the deodorant and chew on a clove of garlic for added effect – job done!
I’m having a baby
If you’re a female, this will go without saying; once the ‘B’ word is uttered no one would dare question your motivation or lack of. For blokes: tell your mates your offspring drop off due date is imminent. They’ll understand when you explain the missus will lop off your crown jewels if you miss the birth of your new born – who’s going to question this?
And don’t forget to use your new baby as an excuse down the line– the perfect get out of jail card for when extreme H2O presents itself.
If you have a spare wetty kicking about rip a hole in the backside and proceed to explain to your peers that you’ve holed your suit and couldn’t be expected to hit the winter brine without proper rubber attire.
Be aware that some bright spark may step up and offer to loan you theirs, in which case, have a plan B in your back pocket – man flu is always worth pulling out of the bag, although you’ll be branded lame for the rest of your days.
Rotator cuff injury
Hitting the drink with an injury is always going to be a no no and the buzz phrase of the SUP world is ‘rotator cuff damage’. Mention this and you’ll be met with lots of ‘ums’ and ‘ahhs’ even if your fellow sweepers don’t have a clue what it actually refers to.
They will, however, appreciate you’ll be off games, just don’t get caught surfing a friendlier beach break later in the day – unless you can convince them you’ve found a miracle cure that works in less than 24 hours!
A snapped board is a tricky thing to pull off as some of your crew may want to inspect the damage, in which case you’ll be faced with a dilemma. You could always say it’s been shipped off to the board repairers, or sent back to brand HQ for a warranty claim?
Just be aware, as with the holed wetsuit scenario, that some joker doesn’t gift you their stick! You could always break your leg if it’s getting too desperate?
If none of these excuses float your boat then you could always run away and hide under the duvet. Just pray your mates don’t come looking and find a blubbering wreck in place of the man they once knew…
In all seriousness; stay safe this winter and know your limits. Holding off for more suitable conditions won’t make you any less of a bloke. Living to fight another day is sometimes the best course of action.